imagineinfinity

maybe I'd feel safe with you, if I let myself.
maybe I'd feel safe with you, if I could remember what safe felt like.

I won't let myself fall.
Not yet, anyway.
Not yet.

We're driving around the town I know by heart in your new car. The music is on, not blaring. The windows are up, I feel no air.
I know all the words to all of the songs that are playing. This is where I spent 8years of my life. So what if my hair was longer and yours was too. So what if the car has changed from your first. I knew all the words. I still felt like I knew you. But my heart was smarter this time. I knew not to trust you completely. So I let myself get comfortable. Pressed my head hard into the headrest of the seat. Glanced over at you conspicuously. You knew I was looking, but I couldn't find words to express what I was thinking, so I'm glad you didn't ask me.
I can't sit still but I don't want you to see my fidgeting. So I wiggle my fingers around the seatbelt hoping its out of your line of sight.
We're stoned.
You ask if I'm okay.
I say "that's a loaded question."
We just stare at each other.
I made it awkward. I am awkward.

I didn't get the same rush I used to when I hugged you. I didn't feel light headed when I breathed you in. So I tried again, was it gone? The power you had over me is lessening, I feel more free.
I still meant everything I ever said.
Falling out of love isn't something that occurs. But realizing that Love is not enough, is reality. I'm learning. I'm learning to be realistic.

4months since the breakup.

I live with four friends in a house.
Two of the friends are dating. They have a friend named John. John hangs out all the time. Quiet, mellow, laid back boy.
Aparently he told the dating roomies that he thought I was cute and he liked that I drive a truck.
Of course the roomies told me this.
Ball is in my court. Now what?
So I decided that I would at least talk to this boy. It started out simply enough. Having a conversation while he sucked in some cancer in the garage. We were alone. We talked. It got interupted after about 45minutes, but it was nice. It made me think of him as a person, a human, instead of just some guy who sits quiet and comes over to get stoned/drunk and watch football.
Then we ended up alone in the living room late one night after everyone else had headed off to bed. John generally sleeps on the couch because we have the most comfortable couch. We sat and talked some more. We talked for two hours in the living room. The tv was on, but it was just background noise. I decided that it was bedtime and I needed to get some sleep. I told him this and he started to get comfortable on the couch. I asked him if he wanted to come upstairs. He just nodded, got up, and followed me. We laid in my bed, not touching for two MORE hours just talking. We played 20questions so that we could get to know eachother. I started this game and of course my first question was "how many people have you slept with?" So after two hours of questions and stories and laughing his question was "Do you want to cuddle?" I said nothing and just rolled over into his arms with my head on his chest. I told him it was a good question. Then we just continued with the questions. Innocent really. I had butterflies and it just felt nice to hear someone elses heart beat and to have the sensation of skin against skin. We stayed up all night. He headed to work at 7am and I went to sleep because I was working 3pm-11pm.
This is the start. This was on Sunday October 11th, two days after my 20th birthday.
I'll write more about what else has happened later.

My question is, how long do you wait to give it up? All of it? Is there a timeline?

my ribs don't remember what it feels like to be kissed
to be touched
my ribs don't remember what it feels like to be bruised
I miss the ache
my ribs can't remember how they used to fit together
next to you
next to your ribs
so I am going to let the gun do some of the work
the tattoo gun will drill away at my ribs, at my skin, at my flesh
and I will love the picture it becomes
beautifully inked scars
purposeful scars
eloquent ink, delicately placed
in the exact place that your hand used to rest
goodbye boy
hello art

14days until my birthday.
around 19days until my first tattoo.
Pictures soon.

I didn't recognize myself when I looked in the mirror today.
I have gotten older.
 

I told the world all my secrets and hoped that someone would see past my flaws and love me anyway

I walked away from my confessions with a few good friends

I thank the universe everyday

 

i'm not who i was
and no matter how hard you try
i can never be that girl again
i've changed
i've grown
it was inevitable
just like these cracks in the concrete
on all the sidewalks we used to walk on to get to school
just like the beaches eroded away
inevitable
everchanging
 

my upstairs neighbors prance around like elephants.
the more stressed out i get, the harder it is to fall asleep.
i can't quiet the thoughts running through my mind long enough to doze off.
school sucks and seems quite pointless. anyone who says its not about money is full of shit. it's all about money. we are in college to get a better job after college that makes more money.
i was impulsive today and indulged in some retail therapy with my best friend.
my thought can't be contained.... or organized... not even long enough to write them down.
i think in psychology they would say i need to organize the schema in my mind?
ugh.

i hate/love being unsure.
there is something unsettling about it that just makes me anxious.
but at the same time i get excited because who knows what will happen next, maybe an epic adventure!

have you ever written something that just keeps coming back up in your mind?
i have a few things that i wrote a long time ago and every so often they just come back.
i will be writing and i'll come up with the exact few lines again and again.
it's like revisiting an old friend.
i guess those lines just fit perfectly?

i hate smoking and lung cancer and all the other cancers and watching people struggle for air on ventilators in the ER at 4am.
but there is something glamorous about smoking a cigarette after sex and i can't quite get the image out of my mind.
its drilled into my mind perfectly just like the image of him laying on the bed playing guitar, legs covered with an orange blanket that some could describe as shag.
he has long orange hair and bright blue eyes that change colors.
god, i am in love. 
i don't generally smoke, but my recent obession with glamour probably means that within the next week i am going to pick up a pack of cloves. specifically for after-sex/while i am drunk. haha.