imagineinfinity

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:03:14 GMT

maybe I'd feel safe with you, if I let myself.
maybe I'd feel safe with you, if I could remember what safe felt like.

I won't let myself fall.
Not yet, anyway.
Not yet.

We're driving around the town I know by heart in your new car. The music is on, not blaring. The windows are up, I feel no air.
I know all the words to all of the songs that are playing. This is where I spent 8years of my life. So what if my hair was longer and yours was too. So what if the car has changed from your first. I knew all the words. I still felt like I knew you. But my heart was smarter this time. I knew not to trust you completely. So I let myself get comfortable. Pressed my head hard into the headrest of the seat. Glanced over at you conspicuously. You knew I was looking, but I couldn't find words to express what I was thinking, so I'm glad you didn't ask me.
I can't sit still but I don't want you to see my fidgeting. So I wiggle my fingers around the seatbelt hoping its out of your line of sight.
We're stoned.
You ask if I'm okay.
I say "that's a loaded question."
We just stare at each other.
I made it awkward. I am awkward.

I didn't get the same rush I used to when I hugged you. I didn't feel light headed when I breathed you in. So I tried again, was it gone? The power you had over me is lessening, I feel more free.
I still meant everything I ever said.
Falling out of love isn't something that occurs. But realizing that Love is not enough, is reality. I'm learning. I'm learning to be realistic.

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 00:33:37 GMT

3.5 months since the breakup.
I told him once that I would love him forever.
I don't believe in forever, and he knows that. Forever holds no substance to me, I can't comprehend it.
But somehow in my drunken state, I confessed that I would love him forever. My drunken mind was comprehending this infinite idea of forever.
Then I asked if I could keep him forever.
He said "you can keep me as long as you let me stay."
Now I have let him go.
I still love him, fully.
I hate how our relationship ended, I hate how he treated me during those last few months, I hate that I let it get taken so far out of hand.
But I still love him. I miss him. I think about him everyday.
But I won't let myself act on impulse, I won't get in my car and drive until I can hear his heartbeat. I won't. I won't. I won't.
I can't.
This will get easier, eventually. That's what I keep telling myself. But I'll never stop loving him. I just hope that I can learn to love myself again, and then maybe someone else.

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 00:24:03 GMT

my ribs don't remember what it feels like to be kissed
to be touched
my ribs don't remember what it feels like to be bruised
I miss the ache
my ribs can't remember how they used to fit together
next to you
next to your ribs
so I am going to let the gun do some of the work
the tattoo gun will drill away at my ribs, at my skin, at my flesh
and I will love the picture it becomes
beautifully inked scars
purposeful scars
eloquent ink, delicately placed
in the exact place that your hand used to rest
goodbye boy
hello art

14days until my birthday.
around 19days until my first tattoo.
Pictures soon.

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 05:44:38 GMT

I didn't recognize myself when I looked in the mirror today.
I have gotten older.

one month.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 04:01:47 GMT

I told the world all my secrets and hoped that someone would see past my flaws and love me anyway

I walked away from my confessions with a few good friends

I thank the universe everyday

this secret kiss. impulse.

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 20:49:38 GMT

i'm not who i was
and no matter how hard you try
i can never be that girl again
i've changed
i've grown
it was inevitable
just like these cracks in the concrete
on all the sidewalks we used to walk on to get to school
just like the beaches eroded away
inevitable
everchanging

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 07:25:20 GMT

my upstairs neighbors prance around like elephants.
the more stressed out i get, the harder it is to fall asleep.
i can't quiet the thoughts running through my mind long enough to doze off.
school sucks and seems quite pointless. anyone who says its not about money is full of shit. it's all about money. we are in college to get a better job after college that makes more money.
i was impulsive today and indulged in some retail therapy with my best friend.
my thought can't be contained.... or organized... not even long enough to write them down.
i think in psychology they would say i need to organize the schema in my mind?
ugh.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 04:48:46 GMT

My ex is back from Iraq for a few weeks.
We had planned to meet up to talk and hang out.
He called me at 1:47 am the other night.
I asked where his wife was.
He said "in the other room"
We talked for less than five minutes, it was late/early depending on how you look at it.
When I got off the phone my current boyfriend said "What did he say when you asked where his wife was?"
I told him that he said in the other room.
My boyfriend pointed out that she was probably sleeping in the other room.
As in he was calling me in privacy, secretively.
Sketchy, eh?
His wife thinks I am a horrible person. But I am not. I am not interested in her husband, not at all. If I wanted him, I would still have him. We broke up because I was in love with someone else.... my current boyfriend.
I feel guilty and thankful that my ex was in Iraq. Guilty because I supported him joining the marines.
Thankful because he is fighting for our country(possibly without a good cause. But still, he is doing it.)
I just don't have much interest in being apart of the sketchy-ness. I don't need his wife to acuse me of anything, especially when I am not doing anything wrong. We were great friends before we dated, but we ended on a bitter note. Things are so complicated.
So should I hang out with him, or not?

Fri, 23 May 2008 03:57:19 GMT

i don't know what to do with your words in my head
all the memories in my mind
where is a person supposed to store these things
once the things have ended
i am just curious
shoeboxes are popular, and i realize this
but with a memory like an elephant
what does a person do with all the pictures in their mind?

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 05:24:03 GMT

my boyfriend and i gambled for charity today.
he also picked me a random wild-flower. :]
i am very much in love.

we were best friends for so long, and i was simply that to him, a friend.
i waited four years for him to notice me as something more.
its not that i did nothing but wait, i had other boys....
but i always wanted him more.
and finally, when i was about to date someone who was great.... a boy who was smart and chilverous and a man of God, well... my boy kissed me. and the rest is history.
everything happens for a reason.
i adore my boyfriend.
i just want all the "best friends" to know that it can happen.
he can love you eventually, but sometimes, its not meant to be.
i waited four years.
i got what i wanted, and really, its better than i ever imagined.

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 16:49:46 GMT

love is when you deicide that your home is not a place
it is not a town
it is whereever that one person is because that's where everything feels at ease.

i moved away from the town i grew up in.
i hated the town so much
but right before i left, i realized how much i adore it
this town is not my home
i come to visit, but this isn't it

my new city is not my home
i moved there with my parents and they are of the utmost importance to me
but it doesn't feel like home
all of my "stuff" is there, but like i said, it's just "stuff"

my heart is in the palm of a red-headed boy
and my home is wherever he is
it has nothing to do with a house, a city or my stuff.

i am moving again in August.
i guess your home is wherever you decide for it to be.
maybe i am happy having a nomadic soul.

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 02:13:33 GMT

is it big love or just love?
true love or just love?
lust or love?
i can't answer these questions. you could say i am lustful? hm. but love came first.
love came first because he was there.
he was the boy who pulled me up off the floor when i was crying and said "you can't do this anymore."
i couldn't really see his face, the tears were making my vision blurry.
he said that if i wanted to cry that it should at least be on my bed and not on the cold tile floor.
he kind of giggled and then proceeded to help me.
he let me lay in his lap and he played with my frizzy, curly, unruly hair.
i loved him, i have always loved him.
i am dating the boy that has been my best friend for six years. held my hand before we were dating.
i said i felt like i wasn't here anymore, it was just my body. i was just going through the motions of everyday.
life wasn't worth living but it took too much energy to end it.
i was just floating, but it wasn't peaceful. i was floating down into the unknown.
i asked him to hold my hand so that i know i am still here.
nothing else is worth being here for.
he held my hand tight, and took his thumb and rubbed on that crevice in my hand.
the crevice between my thumb and pointer finger.
i cried a lot for those months. and he just let me.
maybe i didn't say everything i was thinking those days. but he was still there. it was the most comfortable silence i have ever felt. i always wanted him to hold me in a bigger way, in a better way. i needed more, he wasn't ready.
it was almost three years after this part of my life when he kissed me.
we were laying on my couch watching breakfast club. we were semi-spooning....
i rolled to be on my back and he was still spooning with my side.
we just looked at each other. i wanted to kiss him, but i told myself i wouldn't make the first move.
then it just happened, i think we had both decided at the same time and it was absolutely amazing.
afterwards i said "holy shit, i just made out with my best friend"
and he replied "i really need a cigarette."
i promise that i will always love this boy.
maybe not as much as i do right now, but this is my first big love.
earth shaking love.
can i keep this feeling forever?